Every x I think I miss Uevry x I think abot calln I rembr the resns y I shouldnt

tommorw ill b updating its gonna be long.........very long.....basiclly bout everything thats been on my mind and....venting as usal....hell do ieven rember half of the shit? iono well see...

i just worked out again. I havnt slept all night, partly becus i was talking to a friend all night Chris 27 n surfing the net.. ....some shit went down between me and dre and his cousin lastnight...that fool call me atlike 4ish am this morrning...his cosuin was talking shit bout me n dre was letting it happend!...long story... so i had to work it off....n surely i did.

my test is today in vallejo... havnt studyied but im doing it now.... i hope i pass... i havnt studyied... but lord know i need/n want to.... fuk dre..

i have not updated in over a week....

But i just worked out and i feel so good. on a sour note....dennis called me after i emailed him.....the other night we argued. same ol same ol.....he hasnt changed a bit! he is emotionally challenged and doesnt know what direction n life he should take...i havnt spoken to him n 3days and im fine with it! he actually thought i emailed him to get bak with him..y would i? he doesnt respect me.. 3nights ago he got pissed cus he felt like i was being supportive over his drama...tryna make him self seem pitty so iwould fall n tot his trap.... ny who...im over Dre.. :) yay! as good as he SEEMED to be he was another black man with no back bone!...so i dont have his # and im fine with nevr speaking to him..But

I am however, tempyed to go on the line again!!..yes journal... after saying i wouldnt....im bored.. its 3:19am...and ive said NO GOOD can come from the line.....none!.....but u kno i dont kno......i jus wish i had a sister so i wouldnt always reduce myself to drastic measures..
when am i ever gonna learn i deserve more....?

ps. i really want mixed kids...im ready to try a diff race now...im open to white men...i gotta whole lot more i can type but ill stop here... im watchig WORKOUT ..b4 i go...mom made a beautiful easter dinner......so good.....

Quickie.....cuse im tired n its 11:51pm...

1. drama class and math class were oka today i went to drama class late bcus i saw diana....we chated for bout 27 minutes +

2. i saw an old friend on the way home on the bus name dennise...shes kool....it was kool seein her

3. i had to usher lab points 4 drama class ...the play was call motherland... it was kinda oka....6 1/2 stars.. i talked to jerry bout looks n stuff weight......hes such a goooood looking guy.....i love to be his g/f but i kno he isnt interested n plus i already tryied to act like i dont like him... ushering was kool.......

4.i sung 4 jerry... i think he like it .....


5. im postive now that i want mixed kids... n that i need to loose 150 pounds..

6. my cousin lost 56....but shes been sick...

7. i saw diannas boyf...at albertsons.... i wen there to git sprite n twizzlers which i didnt need...

8. the blk pants i got yesterday 4fm avenue worked good.. and the socks...

9. yesterday mom n i got nto a argument bout the applicaton 4 workin at avenue... long story... oh n also 2 dy me n court sung...

10. found out that the role mama 4 the rain n the sun.. cast another big woman.....the same 1...but she was missing that day so she didnt do it but ...she was suppose to.........so fuking rascit.. n shit... only jude the outside..

11. well i gotta go i got schoo n da morrning...also i worked out b4 i went bak to schoo...

So i jus updated maby 3 hours ago but just worked out. I mean i havnt worked out since last wensday night...well really early thursday morrning....so that why i havnt worked out late because i havnt been able to with my foot n ankle n all... so i jus did some tae bo...and i feel reall good afterwards...it was so hard but i feel good. I think its real hard to get back in the fight especially if u havnt worked out n a full weak. Im serious about loosing weight. Very....im so glad the bill blanks pushes me threw out the work out. He so great. I wouldnt mind meeting him. I think i might start writting in a lot more. reguardless if anyone comes on here or not. Im going threw alot. I still have to make up some math so i need to deffenitly take everythng in my life seriously.. and start really droping these pounds. I have alot of weight to loose so yeah. I guess apart of me misses everyone i use to talk to on here...but iono.

Im up here watching Carrie....and this girls mom is outta her damn mind.....God bless her because her mom desperatly needs it. I hope this story wasnt true cause if it was...i feel painfuly sorry for this girl carrie.

Anywho im suppose to be n bed elevating my foot...of course but...iono i cant help it ...i just gotsick of not doing anything productive...i jus needed a good work out. I realize that if i want something really bad....i need to ask God to push me so i can make it. I get so sick of being the fat girl. Anywho...i gotta go...but....i need to start getting bak into my workouts. Oh yeah...did i mention i have an appointment for the docotr monday? i did huh? yeh i thot so .. umh....theres so much i need to get out... i think i might put some of myfuture entries in private. Just n case they get to private. cant be to unsure. alright i gotta go. to behonest... im home alone and im feeling really lonely rightnow.....i love my boyfriend....i wish he lived closer......i need some friends ....lol lmao.... i need my foot to get better tho........lonely...me....haaahaha

You ever get a feeling, a sence of lonelieness an unwanted cold feeling that stays with you until another ponder feeling haunts you? How many people expeirence this dark hue? and how many of us walk around with a frown, and answers in an angerly tone to others when they've simply done nothing wrong to harm you.

Many of us walk around each day with a chip on our shoulder dwelling on what someone has done to us or has purposely done to make us become bitter and angered. We become our feelings,our emotions and we begin living, role playing these feelings in everyday life. Provoking & embedding what's mind challenging and what isn't worth spending another thought on is nothing but a clique way of expressing ache. Most embroad there short tempers and embrace them fearlessly without truly becoming intouch with there true cause of whats making them feel as low as the ground they walk on. learning to control weakness is just your own way of engaging your self to take on a calmly and effective attitude.

However, Knowledge is infanat and knowing who you are is great thing, because it allows yourself to place a gentle reminder that though the world feels as if it's caving in it isn't its just Gods way of letting you know be prepared for the next battles your life will take on.

Needless, to say if indeed you do walk around carrying a grudge in your back pocket you might consider removing it, because that just might be what's weighing you down in life, and why you are frequently unhappy.

You ever get a feeling, a sence of lonelieness an unwanted cold feeling that stays with you until another ponder feeling haunts you? How many people expeirence this dark hue? and how many of us walk around with a frown, and answers in an angerly tone to others when they've simply done nothing wrong to harm you.

Many of us walk around each day with a chip on our shoulder dwelling on what someone has done to us or has purposely done to make us become bitter and angered. We become our feelings,our emotions and we begin living, role playing these feelings in everyday life. Provoking & embedding what's mind challenging and what isn't worth spending another thought on is nothing but a clique way of expressing ache. Most embroad there short tempers and embrace them fearlessly without truly becoming intouch with there true cause of whats making them feel as low as the ground they walk on. learning to control weakness is just your own way of engaging your self to take on a calmly and effective attitude.

However, Knowledge is infanat and knowing who you are is great thing, because it allows yourself to place a gentle reminder that though the world feels as if it's caving in it isn't its just Gods way of letting you know be prepared for the next battles your life will take on.

Needless, to say if indeed you do walk around carrying a grudge in your back pocket you might consider removing it, because that just might be what's weighing you down in life, and why you are frequently unhappy.

Its a never ending story when it comes to love. Its a passion just about everyone prays for, hope for, stress for, long for, and it can sometimes be out of reach. There's so many layers on top of layers to love so many profound diminishing ways to love that i bet if you asked each and every person on this earth "what is love?" you'll recevie over a trillion different answers and concepts on "how to love". And even then that question can be placed somewhere in the middle because it's another head on question. Asking yourself to love or not to love is a inclined way of over powering your fate of letting what ever be just be. Plain and simple we complicate our feelings way to much of actually "liking" instead of desiring what we really need.

Recently I've had a similar dilema with a guy who seems almost perfect but not good enough for what im desiring 30 years down the road. I imagine "HE the guy" is a nice, simple , pleaseant, kind of guy that doesn't mind expressing his inner beauty to delicatly match his out side confidence. "He's" been on my mind frequently and I just can't seem to get him out of my head. Im not usally attracted to the bad guys, but he has this ora about him that is just amazing and so alluring.. that I could picture myself sitting in a coffe shop gazing into his eyes talking about whatever comes to mind. I consume all thoughts about "him", when im close and in his pressence i loose it, and anyone who trully knows me know I am not the type of female to go boy crazy so you know this guy has got my attention. I am completly resourceful when around "him", soaking up all of his exsisting energy with my profound thoughts. And what could be between the akwardness is pure silence. What I do know of him is "he's" not what im searching for, I long for. If you ever find yourself in a delima and you find a certain quality about someone that's attractive but aren't sure what the chances are of finding more characteristics keep searching for the good and maby you'll find just what your looking for, that is if your certain it's something for the long term.

Women in this day and age are terrified of opening up there hearts simply because they've been heart broken by pass experiences that has caused them to bulid up this imagery of a brick wall. And who would want to revist the past?. Expericing disappointment one right after another is already damaging enough. But knowledge trully is power and learning to never to let that mistake happen again is saying to yourself im going forward with caution so universe bring it on!. If anything else guys are always multiplying and confusing us. It's always better to go in a relationship with substance and purpose. So do yourself a favor and continue to let the pages turn when there ready to turn and enjoy each chapter. Instead of assuming you already know the ending, let the movie play and watch it unfold.



shay

As of lately, I've trully had my share of ups and downs. Ive seen a my family member be carried out in a black, claustropic bag beeing carried out of their home because of a sudden death, Ive seen my grades fall to the scum of thee earth, Ive seen my loved one's suffer unconditonally for many months in the making. A desperate and unfortunate highlight of my last two sundays have been careing and nuturing my ill uncle, who at this very moment is very ill. Recently this pass sunday I had a death in my family, that was unbeleiveable for some and a shock to most. Dealing with these issues can really take a tole in the depth of anyones personal relationship with ones self. In sudden cry out for help Ive had to be strong for the weaker ones in my family.

I feel like beeing rescued from a dream that isnt mines but a lost one that keeps emerging into many tribulations. I cant say I've learn a lesson along the way nor will I but i do know God is in my corner and threw every aspect every discouragment i can be holy and overcome my own timeless doubt. Ive tryied so hard to be happy and threw finding my happieness ive become more bitter and self reliant of my feelings. Only if I could sculpt one canvas of happieness and unruling self-nuturing I would be happy and fulling as if i was the richest woman on earth.

Ive always wondered why has God allowed many of his children to become unhappy and so disfunctional all at the same time. Its always troubled me becuase i cant understnad why. Why must strangers comprehend and prey on ones self image? Is it becuase they have nothing else in the world better to do? or is because they are purely iggnorant? whatever the circumstances are I can say this can make or brake a person soley on how they respond and deal with the situation.

No one should have to defend there image or define what they beleive in. The best thing about beening yourself is knowing your own refelction and applying it to what you already empahasize. If you do question standing up for yourself you should be mentally able to chanel your feelings into Gods hands. People will always try to get the best of you, but if you prove every hater in the midst wrong then they'll successfully end up looking scorned and pitful out of there own peice of bull crap. To everyone who is reading this can you send some words of encouragement or prayer because wether you have it good in this very moment and point and time in your life you will have to endure the rough times and sorrow every now and then. We all go threw storms, but God doesnt let us expeirence these devestating times by our selves but he does allow us to see how much we can bare and what test we will fall and rise to.

A faithful attitude will bring you good and an un greatful attitude will end up bringing you the exzact opposite.

much love

for those who took the time to comment

Wowers what can i say about the last 2-3months other than its been extremely diferent. My mother jus had b-day this pass aug.13 for that we celebrated with a dinner at her favorite restraunt 'Everette Jones' in oakland. Last 2weeks ive been tryna figure out what goals i wanted to set for my 12 gr school yr, nessesarly im looking to make more of myself than i did the previous yr - expand myself -.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

It was pretty good..not satisfing but well my classes are good but i messed up my 11 gr yr so i have to take some classes for 1whole semester. Im looking to do good this yr I HAVE TOO ACTULLY i dont have any other resort. Some of my friends left and graduated this yr and today i felt so empty- looking around for them to show up. But of course i do have other friends in my grade that are still there so thats good.

--I really want to improve my apperance and look, ive been loosing weight rapidly and i feel good about it ive been making healthy food choices and im looking for God to do some great things in my life this yr. I just have to stop having a negitive outlook on EVERYTHING. I need to pass all my classes-plus pass the [EE]
plus my mom has started going back to school so im happy for her return , actually tonight is her last class so b4 she left she told me too pray for her she had a take home test and has been going to st.Marrys for 8 weeks now.

-On a lighter note im watching 'Hair show' i love this movie

ITS SO TIME TO UPDATE WELL I WAS GOING TO UPDATE FROM WHERE I LEFT OFF BUT I NEED TO REALEASE SOME STEAM WELL MY SUMMERS BEEN PRETTY GOOD SO FAR I DID ATTEND SUMMER SCHOOL FOR A MONTH A WEEK AFTER REGULAR SCHOOL AND THAT WAS DEFFENITLY CRAZY I FELT WEIRD GOING THERE LIKE I WASNT THE SAME PERSON IN REGULAR SCHOOL. SO MANY DIFFERENT PERSONALITYS I KINDA FELT A LIL LOST AS WHO I WAS LIKE HOW I WAS TALKING AND CONVERSING WITH PEOPLE. A FRIEND WHO WENT THERE WITH ME I TOLD HER I SAID YOU KNOW I DONT FEEL LIKE THE SAME PERSON I WAS WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE AND EVEN 3 YRS AGO. IM SUCH A DEEP THINKER AND I THINK ABOUT SO MANY THINGS NORAMLLY PEOPLE MY AGE WOULD NOT EVER THINK ABOUT. CHANGING ISNT A BAD THING BUT I FEEL EMPTY SOMETIMES REALLY EMPTY LIKE I CANT EVER EXPRESS MYSELF TO THE WAY I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS. IM MIS UNDERSTOOD HALF OF THE TIME WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME AND TALK TO ME. I WISH PEOPLE SAW THE REAL ME THE REAL SHAYLA. ALOT OF PEOPLE HAVE NOT IDEA WHO I REALLY AM. EVEN THOSES WHO I DO FEEL CLOSE TO. MY MOTHER HAS NO IDEA WHO I REALLY AM. MY PERSONALITY I CAN TRULLY SAY IS ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS ABOUT ME I TRULLY AM CARING AND I LOVE POSTIVE INDIVISUALS. AT TIMES I TRY TO HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS. AS OF RIGHTNOW IN THIS POINT OF MY LIFE I CANT FIND ONE PERSON WHO REALLY KNOWS ME FROM WITH IN FROM OUT KNO0W ONE NOW THERE MIGHT BE CLOSE ONES THAT KNOW LILBITTY PEICES BUT NOT THE WHOLE CRYTERIA.

MY MOM AND I DONT GET ALONG AND SOMETIMES I WISH SHE WAS ONE OF MY BESTFRIENDS WHO I CAN TURN TO AND REALLY SPILL EVERYTHING BUT I CANT SO MANYTHINGS I WANT TO TELL HER BUT I KNOW I CANT JUST BECAUSE I WOULD FEEL SO EMPTY WITHIN. BEEING NICE ISNT ENOUGH ANYMORE BEEING WHO I AM NEEDS TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING. DEEP INSIDE MY HEAR IM REALLY MISERABLE LIKE I DONT HAVE ANYONE IN THIS TO TALK TO WITH OUT ASUMING THERE HAS SOMETHING WRONG FOR ME TO CRY. I CAN COUNT ON MY HAND HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD REALLY KNOWS ME KNOWS ME FROM ANYTHING AND EVEYTHING BUT REALITY IS I HAVE NO ONE. I FEEL OVERWELMED SOMETIMES BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THOSES CLOSETS TO ME DONT GET WHO IAM AND WHY I SAY WHAT I SAY. I WOULD BE HAPPY IF I FOUND THAT ONE GIRLFRIEND OR PERSON WHO I COULD UNDERSTAND ME FROM POINT A TO POINT B. ALL I WANT IS FOR SOMEONE TO KNOW YES SHAYLAS A GOOD PERSON AND IF ASKED BY ANOTHER OUTTER PERSON WHO IS SHAYLA WHAT WAS HER LEGACY ON THIS EARTH TO BE ABLE TO TELL THEM TRUTHFULLY WHO WAS SHE. AT TIMES I BREAKDOWN AND LET PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM BUT THEY WILL NEVER GET THE WHOLE DEAL PACKAGE. I TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW PEOPLE AND I FEEL THATS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE RECOGNIZED.IM GOING TO STOP RIGHT HERE BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS TROUBLES JUST WISHED THINGS WERE DIFFERENT IN MYLIFE.

im going to update soon...

heres a new picture its not much but its koo

wanted t make it bigger should i?

Well journal heres a another over due update but ill have to make this a quick one.

1. Had a birthday may 10 turned 18 celebrated it by going t the cheese cake factory

2. Lost 5 pounds and 2 inches from my waist

3. Hair has gotten longer soo excited about

4. Found out the truth about my birth mother for yu all that didnt know im adopted.

5. Got a new cell phone

6.Kicked it with a girlfriend of mines today. Chilled and got some icecream damn it was hot today

7.Went to a graduation for my cousin and godcousin both last monay and this past sat

8. Found out i have to goto summer school

9. Found out was mixed with jamaican and belize through my birth father...few days ago

10. started drinking alot more water and working out regualarly

11. Sometime in june went to my lil cousins christinaing i guess it means giving the baby to the church n God. Wouldnt know

12. getting my licence this summer well this month hopefully


I kno im missing alot but those r just afew things ive been upto. Now im going to go workout with my mother. Im getting some pictures developed from wen i took a couple photos over the last 2 months. So yeah...update when i get those photos in.

For as long as I could remeber i've always made it a chore to not cut school and get good grades. But this year has been a wake up call, rude awakening, I've gone through some ruff times at school from crying to beeing upset to not saying a word to point blank acting retarded and making the best of lunch periods with the few little friends that i have. This year i have basicly disoppointed myself and my mother. She believes, and tells me that i have every potential in the world but, i dont try when it comes down to great study habbits. For awhile i would deny that i didnt have good study habits and i do try but HONESTLY ...I DONT. I have 2 friends at school who i feel i can honestly be myself around and talk to about just anything. My grades are horbile they have been all year. This has deffenitly with out a doubt been my worst year as far as grades in highschool. Sometimes i dont goto school because of certain events that take place in the morrning time. Then when i stay home i feel as if i almost want to cry horribly and complain to myself because im hurt. I realize im hurting myself by not rising to my full potential when i let myself down and mope but when i really should be preparing myself to try even harder. At times i suck it up carrya good attitude , think postive and go for the goal of an A, but i lack concentration and motivation. My memory sucks Big time,that also plays 2 an 3 roles of why i get bad grades. The feeling of seeing yourself fail and setting up youself to fail is one of the worst feelings ive experienced this school year.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:REPORTCARD TIME:
Today as i got the mail from the mailbox(because i stayed home with NO way to get to SCHOOL) i picked up my reportcard. Anticipation, i waited nolonger to see my grades on the bottom with comments from random teachers ...uncompleted assignments, low testscores, late, and a PLEASURE to have in Class, what an ending right? well as i set there reflecting up on my progress report i felt void..=empty. It really does hurt i know im capable but i dont have the motivation and support and help i need. I recived 4 bad grades and 2 good grades. Somedays i wish i was the smartes girl in the entire school and somedays i feel like ima failure to mother because she trys so hard to help me with my problem areas in school but-still-does-not-get-it-. I wish my memory was alot better at taking in things and remebering them but it isnt,.. i wish i could proudly come home and show my mother my well earned grades and be happy i did them on my own but i cant. Because im not smart enough to get the grades i deserve. It's so easy for some but so damn hard for others. I figured i would write about my problem simply because i needed some one to talk to. In the midst of my poor grades and my lack of remeberence i know God still loves me as korny as that sounds i hope he will some how in 4 weeks stregthen me. And if not what else can i say.................i tryied

Found this from Im_jus_m3
It(s) kinda true but some of it im nowhere close

Take the quiz:http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=1988]What does your birth month reveal about you?

May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children.Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

Just wanted to update in tell yall my birthday is tommorw. Im turning 18 and its crazii. Its a weird feeling.I deffenitly dont look 18 but anyways you guys i posted an update below with some new images for your viewing checkem out! im going to the cheese cake factory so i hope everything goes well tommorow. In theres no negitive energy.

I have been so caught up, i havnt really made time to sit down and type in the journal. I wont able to tonight either because for danceproduction at school we have a performance tonight. And for the rest of this week and half of next week. Im mad nervous i really am...ohwell though. Im going to get ready for this thing.

im so dang tired...and i have homework! yall ever fill like things just start caving in ,all at once somtimes?

I was on a messageboard and came about this new artist called Nina Shaw here' s a photo of her. Very beautiful or it could be the makeup not sure. Her music is really nice she sounds as if she has a good tone to her voice. Link to her website http://ninashaw.com/ninasite.html


Quick postal update

()Wensday-thursday my 6-month old cosuin came and spent the night with us she was a HANDLE FULL, baby takes so much energy out of you thats why you gotta plan your day ahead of time. She is so adorble heres a photo of her for the people who havnt seen a picture of her yet


()Friday went with a couple girlfriends to see Beautyshop it was so halarious just absolutely funny.

()Saturday Went to the mall with my mother and a good friend of mines. Tryied to find some newshoes which in the end i did conquer of finding and my friend Rarity browsed around for prom dresses.

()Sunday just stayed home and lounged around the house. Had a conflict with my Boyf, argued with his mother. Im going through it with him and his COMMUNICATION SKILLS****

Tommorw anything goes. School starts back because we were off for springbreak. I didnt do much of anything just got myself interested in what ever i could find to keep myself occupied. Bordom is a killer even when you find something that catch your interest it never fails that the exzausting feeling of wanting to get out and have fun comes on back.

Sidenote
I found this funny discovery between my eyes and christina milians. I put them side by side and noticed they look alike in similar ways. Check it out for yourself and tell me what you think. Im left shes right

HAPPY EASTER!


Sorry for the lack of updates but ive been mad busy and occupied. Easter's finally here and the day itself is looking really pretty out side. I hope later on ill continue to feel good threw out my day as Im feeling as of now ~-__-~ . I have some photos im going to scan on as soon as i come from church ill post them. Though i havnt been updating I comment on mostly everyone's journal so thats pretty Cool. Iknow this might sound really old but 2wo weeks ago i went to see "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" boy was it a swell movie ;0 ha. I recently bought some new eye shadow heres the multi colors.. green, sutle pink, nude-plae, and blue. Beautiful combination. Have a Great Easter you guys and remeber why we celebrate this day.

Shay